Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
tis the season
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Spring of Deception
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit