3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Risking my life for fun.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.