I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Before & after 😅
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.