I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.