me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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How do dragons blow out candles?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.