This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Lmao
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”