I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*limbos away from your hug*
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people