Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dear Lord..
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”