Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.