When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk