My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.