I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The pasta is now
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
#parenting
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Morning my dudes.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.