[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.