Proctology is located in A55
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Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro