(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well