Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
You Might Also Like
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
motivation
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?