[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Care for your back
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
waiting for halloween be like:
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”