[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
12653.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices