Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps