My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.