I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.