“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?