[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
If you want my opinion ask my wife
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.