People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
then why did i get this email
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me working on my assignments ^-^
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.