It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
You Might Also Like
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Thank you corporation very cool
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.