We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it