do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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Stop sending me this shit.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Challenge accepted.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon