No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him