My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
#JohnTravolta
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..