Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.