Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.