Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning