I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
You Might Also Like
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]