I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.