1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭