every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
We decided to have money instead of children.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
can you read it!!??
maan!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal