In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.