[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
You Might Also Like
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
best first i’ve ever seen
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas