Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.