Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is