it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You Might Also Like
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.