I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant