You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy