A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
🛁
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.