I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*bites zombie*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor