Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
You Might Also Like
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.