When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Welcome
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?