I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
This January has 47 Mondays
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?