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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Pringles
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.