Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.